Corporate Headquarters

I read the other day about some expert who worked for a think tank. The gentleman was well versed in some opinion – I forget which subject – and at the end of his quote, the article stated that the gentleman worked for a think tank.

That got me to thinking that maybe I would like to work for a think tank also. Not knowing exactly what one was, I put my expositional skills to work and soon realized that doing such work involved thinking, and possibly some type of tank.

Now, if it’s one thing I like to do, it’s think. When I’m not on my medication, I can sit in a chair for hours at a time… the chair doesn’t even have to be comfortable. I can sit in it for hours and while away the time pondering all types of subjects. It’s easy to do. There is no labor involved, nor do I grow tired from thinking. Thinking just happens. You don’t have to think about it.

Try this experiment: Set a timer for two minutes. Try not to think of anything for that two minutes. You can’t. The mind is always in gear. Granted, some have higher gears than others. My mind prefers a slow country stroll through natural vistas. Some people prefer faster cogitating. Whatever the pace, a person cannot refuse to have thoughts.

So, as I thought about thinking, I decided to open up my own think tank. I decided to start the very next morning. I called my think tank, JWB Enterprises International. Of course, there was nothing enterprisal about it, nor was it international, but I liked the title. I tweaked it a bit later and added the words, “Western Region,” just to make the organization as a whole seem bigger. JWB Enterprises International, Western Region. No one needed to know that the corporate office was a room in my basement normally used for storage.

Even though I was founding an international think tank, I decided to start local. By midmorning I hoped to be regional and by early afternoon I planned to go national. I figured right before closing time I could think some thought about China, or somewhere overseas, and thus be international as I claimed to be.

That first morning in business, it became clear to me in no time that this was hard work. My mind raced (for me). I couldn’t stop thinking about anything and everything. I needed focus. So I decided to quit for the day and redouble my efforts for the following morning. One day down, zero dollars generated.

That evening, as I pored over my lack of receipts and revenue, I realized the beauty, the sheer, unadulterated, altruistic beauty of being a Democrat. I didn’t have to produce anything! I could get paid minimum wage just by showing up!! Plus, I had rights to paid paternity leave, vacation, 401k, ESOP, outplacement counseling, disability, workman’s comp… the list was endless. I had no idea if all of these ideas fell within the aegis of Democratic thought; I just wanted to maximize my benefits. Also, I didn’t really know what “aegis” meant, but I sure liked the sound of it. I thought I might someday start a second company with Aegis somewhere in the title. At any rate, that same evening, my thoughts turned to how I could game my own think tank.

The very next morning I marched into the storeroom and demanded minimum wage. Done.

401k. Done. I asked for 6% matching contribution, but just for the hell of it I doubled it to 12.% Then I scolded myself for inappropriate language in the workplace and wrote a reminder in my corporate calendar to call the ACLU if it happened again.

ESOP. Done.

Expanded workman’s comp in the event I was disabled or hurt in any way at work. Done.

Paternity leave. Done. Even though all of our chilluns had been born years before – heck, some of them were almost as old as me – I still demanded and received this critical benefit.

I was loving private enterprise! I felt a twinge of guilt thinking that way, so I decided to switch JWB Enterprise International, Western Region to non-profit status. I felt better instantly. I’m telling you, you have to give these Democratic ideas a try!

I went a little far, however, when I filed a complaint of sexual harassment. In my pre-trial motion, I even stressed the first syllable of the word “harassment” rather than the second syllable (try it – you’ll sound smarter), but it didn’t work. I realized I had overreached, that one cannot sexually harass oneself (at least not publicly in the workplace), so I thought about it, and then I doubled down and sued myself for not adhering to accepted, government-approved, sexual harassment policy. To strengthen my case, I claimed to be a double transgendered male seeking reparations for inappropriate and agitative behavior in the workplace. I threw in bullying, too, and a smidgeon of misogyny and xenophobia, though I hadn’t a clue what they were. Anyway, being double transgendered meant I wouldn’t have to put on a dress… according to legal precedent, it actually meant that I knew myself to be a man, in a man’s body, who was self-actualized enough to dress like one and laugh occasionally at a well-timed dirty joke. Far too outrageous for the liberal courts. My case was dismissed.

After all of the human resource issues and snafus got ironed out, I finally got down to the business at hand. Thinking. What to think about? I created an action plan. Hmmmmm…

Policy. That’s it.

Here’s what I thought. How about we have a society where men and women are free to use their God-given abilities to realize their own potential and profits in an open and free society within a moral but least-restrictive environment. Hmmmmm… what does that look like? I thought about it…

Low taxes… we need that, so our incentive to produce isn’t smothered.

Freedom to express opinions without fear of censure, fine, or imprisonment… we need that. After all, they are just opinions.

Secure borders… we need that, so the whole world doesn’t invade. There are only so many EBT’s to go around. (I realize Social Security needs propping up, but there must be a better way than rampant amnesty).

Freedom to fail… we need that. After all, if I decide to open up a useless business providing products or services that nobody wants or needs, the marketplace should be allowed to naturally shut me down. We don’t need centralized power to determine artificial pricing, wages, or production. Out the window goes minimum wage, agricultural subsidies, wealth redistribution, Obamacare, and equal pay legislation (a manufactured problem anyway).

As the second day of my think tank wore on, and my medication wore off, I realized that my nonprofit company was itself not needed. I was providing nothing of value. I decided to blog about it and provide even more nothing of value.

And you took the time to read about it. Thank you.

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